A year ago, today… I was at Cedars Sinai and just had a tumor removed from my brain by an amazingly skilled team of people.
So weird. It’s been a year already.
I feel so much better, now! But, also still feel not quite “me” entirely.
People tell me that they wouldn’t even know if I hadn’t told them.
I can’t tell if they are just being kind to me… or, if I am harder on myself than I realize… or, if I “act natural” really well. lol
I can tell that I am not the same person that I used to be.
I still struggle with ‘survivor’s guilt’. Just not as frequently. I think that it helps that I push myself to work and fearlessly create and try to do something with my life… and give myself to the universe in a weird way (which all help me feel worthy of feeling better and being here… when so many amazing people die and it feels incredibly unfair). Or, maybe I’m just distracting myself.
I feel like part of me will be struggling my entire life to be truly worthy of how well things have turned out. Nothing I have to give is as profound or as beautiful as what I’ve been given… so, I think I will always feel like I have something to prove.
Most of all… I feel so lucky… and so loved.
Advice for anyone who just got diagnosed with a brain tumor:
You’re about to go on an adventure. The scariest parts will be alone.
Surround yourself with people who love you unconditionally (they’re going to see some mentally scarring shit)… and then deal with things as they come.
Laugh when you can. Cry when you have to (just do it! it’s like pooping. Nobody wants to poop… but, you feel so much better when you’re done).
There are lots of people online who have gone through what you’re going through. Find someone who has a voice that speaks to you… and cling to their support. It’s less scary to be in the dark when you have someone else to guide you and show you the way.
That’s the key: Find someone who makes it less scary!
If someone is scaring you more than you already are… ditch them. Support groups and support systems are supposed to help you… not hurt you or make you feel worse.
Forgive yourself for not being able to do all of the things you used to be able to do. Don’t blame yourself (or anyone else, for that matter). Blame is a bitch! We don’t need her in our inner circle.
Bad things happen for a variety of reasons. It happened. It’s happening. Blame won’t stop it or make it feel any better. Blame just wants to cause drama.
And most important of all: LIVE!
Eat, drink, dream, fuck, love, laugh, scream, create…
Find beauty whenever wherever possible.
You’re still alive. Don’t forget to live! <3
I wonder if museums 100 years from now will have exhibits featuring pet clothing and costumes from different eras.
“In 2006 people dressed their small dogs in pink exaggerated cat prints and carried them in small expensive bags.” “In 2013 the inflatable horn became a common cat accessory.” And now onto the Parrots wearing small hoodies section of our tour…
I planned on taking cute photos in cute outfits this weekend… But the DLC for The Last of Us just released yesterday. Nerdy tshirt and messy hair it is!
Maybe it’s okay for me to not identify myself as a “plus sized” ______. .
Maybe I don’t need to throw that qualifier out there like some sort of sign to let society know “Hey, everyone! I know I’m fat! You should too! Let’s ALL be aware, now! Fat person, here!”
I remember in high school… a thin popular girl matter-of-factly annoucing to me “Um. You’re FAT!” in front of a large group of people I was hanging out with.
I feigned shock and sarcastically said “Oh, REALLY!? I… I… didn’t KNOW! Thank you so much for telling me. Here I was just walking through life with all of this self confidence and talent.. not realizing that I was FAT. I need to call Vogue and let them know they should cancel our photoshoot.”
She had no idea what to do with that. Everyone laughed at her. She turned red. She never called me fat again, though. I think she was trying to do me a favor. She probably thought I was embarrassing myself by not being more ashamed.
Somewhere along the line I stopped being snarky to people like her and started defining myself by it. Why? Because I work in industries who CONSTANTLY remind me… or, dare I say BREAK it to me like bad news I wasn’t aware of?!
Whatever. I’m Fat. Curvy. Plus sized. Voluptuous. Bodacious. Rubenesque. Plush. We can put candy coated sprinkles on it. At the end of the day… I am still identifying myself as the sum of my parts, though.
Can’t I just be those things without reducing everything I am to a description of my body type?
Maybe I can.
Let me introduce you to the thigh high company that answered so many of the complaints I listed in my Thigh High Rant, two months ago.
The new brand is called Kix’ies. Here is a link to their website: www.kixies.com.
I will post about the product and company a few times in the coming weeks. I was just so excited to share this that I had to post about them asap!
The style I’m wearing is called the “Ally”. Ally is a modernized version of the 1940s polka dot stockings I’ve been pining for, but could never find in my size. In fact… it’s been nearly impossible for me to find thigh highs in my size anywhere. In the past I’ve had to resort to cutting the legs off of pantyhose at the control top and attaching them to a Rago girdle or garter belt for the vintage look I was going for.
I am 6’ tall.
I have 30” thighs. 20” calves. And, a 32” inseam.
I am wearing a size “D”.
Although I feel like I wish that they’d come up a little higher on me, overall I am incredibly happy with how they do fit.
There is plenty of room for the band to continue to stretch. If you have larger thighs than mine, they will fit you.
These DO NOT slip. They DO NOT squeeze my thighs or cause unsightly bulging. They are comfortable. They are sturdy. They are silky and feel amazing.
Best of all… they do not require a garter belt to hold them up!
This brand is INCREDIBLE!
I have three different pairs of Kix’ies that I will blogging and making a video about. I adore all three pairs and want the other styles, too! I can’t wait for 2014, when they release new colors and styles.
I am inspired to say “Where have you been all my life, Kix’ies?”
The company is only a couple of years old. It is run and owned by a woman. They are located here on the West Coast.
I am currently very interested in brands that really truly flatter women of all shapes and sizes . These are not just thigh highs for plus size women. Kix’ies seeks to make a quality product that will flatter a huge variety of women.
*Please note: I do not get any kickbacks for sharing this brand with you. The link is just a link to their site. They do not have an affiliate program. This post is inspired by my sincere excitement and enthusiasm from being able to find thigh highs that actually FIT and work for me!
I was so excited that I might FINALLY find some thigh highs I can ACTUALLY WEAR. I absolutely can NOT find thigh highs that work for me. But then I saw the sizing and realized that they have a long way to go to really serve a broad variety of body shapes and sizes. It’s more of the usual “smaller people should be skinnier, taller people should be fatter” stuff.
They say “first go by height then by weight. When in doubt, go by height.”
By height, I’m a size A. By weight, I’m a size D. Obviously there’s a HUGE discrepancy here. Obviously they do not work for short, fat girls.
I’m 5’1”. I’m around 240. What should I be wearing?
Hey Kix’ies? What are you going to do about this? (Moreover, do you even care?)
I am reblogging my own post to respond to the message above.
You should be wearing the size “C” if you are under 5’6 and weight 240.
I’m not sure where you came to those conclusions, above. Maybe you misunderstood the size chart? The size “A” is for shorter slender women. The size “B” is for taller slender women. The size “C” is for shorter plus sized women. The size “D” is for taller plus sized women.
I am personally about 100 pounds above the weight limit for the size “D” and they fit me great (and I deliberately took photos with my hand under the band to show that there is room for more thigh in there). I contacted Kix’ies personally to find out if they would fit me before ordering.
I was told “Go by height first, weight second”. I am actually a little taller than 6’, also. So, I went with the “D”.
The reason I blogged about them is because I am confident that they WILL fit larger women (like myself).
I sincerely KNEW in my mind that these thigh highs wouldn’t work for me when I had them coming to me. I was convinced that the customer support folks were wrong about them fitting me. I had been burned too many times before. Hence my excitement when they did work, for me!
I wish that the hosiery industry would tell us the maximum stretch for hose… instead of giving us a “weight limit”. Sizing can be so hard… especially since we all carry our weight so differently. But, the sizing standards are how it’s been for decades now.
I’m sorry that you see their sizing as a personal insult to you.. I am certain that they didn’t mean to offend you or make plus sized women think they should be a certain size/height (Samantha, the lovely brain behind Kix’ies is a great lady who champions ladies of all sizes and shapes.. and wouldn’t try to exclude you).
I hope that you will consider trying Kix’ies out anyway. I think you’ll fall in love.
You can totally get $5 off by using code: Vivi during checkout.
No matter what… I hope you have an amazing weekend. <3
*** The opinions above are my personal opinions. I do not work for Kix’ies.***
Thank you so much for the love and support.
You’ve been such an amazing and wonderful part of my healing, this last year. I feel so blessed.
When I am having a ‘down day’ in bed… I love cruising through your feeds and seeing the wonderful, inspiring, beautiful, geeky, funny, brilliant, thoughtful and world changing ideas that you all post and share!
I love you lots and lots.