It was a lovely day at the park, today.
I had an audience of kids watching me.
"She’s so beautiful."
Kids are so honest… and I’ve been feeling shy about leaving the house, lately (I’ve been staying in and training my ballet muscles). So, their love meant a lot to me.
Dress: Sabrina maxi by SWAK designs.
My beloved Chloe went to sleep for the last time on Friday.
My heart is so broken, right now. But, I’m glad that she didn’t have to suffer.
She just had her 10th birthday last month (she was only five weeks old when we got her)..
She was such a good cat… and her life was full of love and adventures.
I will miss her and love her always.
One—-Two—-Buckle my shoe…
I read some judge-y comments recently about my leg/thigh photos that have been making the rounds… saying “it must be nice to have perfect skin and no cellulite! Imperfect girls need body acceptance, too”
Hey… Tumblr… BEHOLD MY CELLULITE AND CREASES!
(which are very pronounced due to the top-lighting in this photo)
If you look at the lumpy pattern on the back of my right thigh (near my knee creases)… you’ll see an angry face sneering at you. My cellulite disapproves of your lack of faith in its existence!
I love my body. My thigh photos aren’t photoshopped to look perfect (it’s all posing and working the light and my angles). I’m not perfect.
Lumpy Space Vivi
Throw back Thursday time!
This was 2009. My first time ever performing burlesque.
It was an act about healthcare reform with a fun punchline.
(I’m about to explain the facial expression I’m making… because I had just taken three steps on stage when this photo was taken).
Most girls start out performing burlesque with a small intimate class in a controlled environment and have a “recital” with an audience full of people they know.
That wasn’t how I started. A gal I knew had a spot available and offered it to me. So, I took it! I thought “Well, I’ve been wanting to do this for a couple of years. Might as well just dive on in there and see how the water is.”
The event was for a grand opening of “Cadillac Ranch” in Reno and there was a lingerie and body painting fashion show that night. It was free admission and the place was PACKED. I’m talking hundreds of people.
The two other gals went on before me (it wasn’t their first time). I want to just mention that they’re both popular performers in their hometown and are both classically beautiful (thin and elegant women). I was the big.fat.sore.thumb. And, I knew that going into it!
I stood in the hallway/dressing area backstage waiting for my turn to go last. I was nervous. But, it wasn’t my first time on a stage (just my first time stripping.. EVER… for anyone other than my mirror).
The first gal went on and did her act. The audience was respectful and clapped a bit when she was done.
I listened to the audience response to girl #2’s surfer fan dance number… heard the crowd chatting to themselves… but, it otherwise sounded really respectful about it (nobody got rude or weird… and that was comforting).
I gave myself a pep talk: “Okay. This isn’t a big deal. It will be fine! They’re a totally relaxed crowd who just DGAF. Easiest four minutes of my life. Nobody is going to care that I’m a fat girl stripping out there! This is great!
The second gal comes off stage after some lukewarm applause… and I prep myself mentally to go on.
The announcer says my name (correctly, I might add!)… starts my music… and I take three steps on stage on my cue…
Suddenly the ENTIRE ROOM goes NUTS!
I’m talking… front to back… people are SCREAMING with excitement!!!
They’re so loud that I can’t even hear my music.
The photographer captured my moment of astonished "Are you really all making THIS much noise for ME!?" realization. “REALLY!?”
I thought I might get some mild laughs for my act…
But, I wasn’t expecting THAT!
So, I pull it together fast. And, I complete my act while the crowd keeps screaming like mad people… throw a lollipop to one extremely excited audience member.. blow the room a kiss and walk off stage… and they go berserk shouting and clapping after me.
I walk back toward the hallway/dressing area… and have to stop… because I started heaving… I had to hold myself up against the wall and wait for the heaving to stop.
The rest of the night was a blur.
I changed… went out among the crowd… got hired for my next gig RIGHT THEN (a Fat Girl Fashion Show)… and that’s when I started SHAKING!
And, I knew I had to leave (too much. too much!!!).
Husband (who was also in the act at the end) and I grab all of our stuff, say goodbye and make our way through people hugging us and telling us how amazing we are.
I’m trying to not dry heave on everyone while they’re grabbing me to take photos with/of me. I just wanted to make it to the door in one piece while still standing upright and acting dignified!
I get out to the car… and I am all “Can we just sit here for a moment… and… be totally quiet?”
I sat down in the car… still trembling… and start laughing and crying at the same time!
Husband joins me in that.
We look at each other and he says “WHAT. THE. HELL…. JUST… HAPPENED!? It was like… you were… a ROCKSTAR or something!”
I laughed while crying… all the way home. I had NO words!
When intense emotions aren’t easily defined… especially ecstatic joy and surprise (which I’ve only felt together twice in my life)… I become VERY overwhelmed.
We get home and I get into a hot bath… and just sit there in the silence trembling.
Rex is sitting on the toilet.
And, he starts to laugh. “That was. … fucking CRAZY!” [he stares off into space with the biggest grin I’ve ever seen]
That ONE night launched me into a whole new world of amazing opportunities and wonderful people.
I went into it thinking “Well, if I hate it I just won’t ever do it again. No big deal.”
I’ve since performed for celebrities… I’ve been hired to perform in music videos and small films! I have much more elaborate gorgeous custom costuming, now. I’ve really come a long way in four and a half years!
That one silly crazy moment in November of 2009… changed my entire life. I am forever grateful to Reno. Sincerely!!
So, you’re reading this and thinking “Jeeze. This girl talks about herself A LOT!”, right?
Well… I just want to tell you something.
BE YOU! Do what you want to do! Follow your dreams and don’t let ANYONE convince you to stop or tell you that you can’t (even that stupid voice inside your head that says “Well, I’m just a big-fat-sore-thumb in a lab coat… nobody is going to like it.”)
Nothing can stop you if you believe in yourself (even if it’s only a tiny tiny bit. A tiny bit is more than enough! It will get bigger as you go on an become more secure).
I have other photos from this night/act. But, this one… is the best one.
It isn’t even the sexiest or most flattering one. It’s jut my FAVORITE one.
The moment of shock and awe on my face.
I never expected to have such a warm and enthusiastic crowd accepting me, like that. Like… EVER!
I feel so blessed every time I perform for an audience of any size.